"Uh, he isn't here right now," said Johnson.

"Perhaps you would like to rephrase that answer before I sow the seeds of agony all up and down your spine," said Anubis. He still had several long, withered fingers pointed in the direction of the two demons who were doing strained little dances of discomfort.

"What he means to say is that Lucifer is on vacation to Alaska right now. It _was_ in the memo," said Rastaphur, trying to martial what little bravery he had into an effective facsimile of the real thing.

Anubis advanced on Rastaphur.

"I don't read memos. Lucifer never sends memos. I never want to be see a memo again," said Anubis, poking Rastaphur in the chest painfully each time he said "memo."

"Well, he is Lucifer. I expect he could do what he wants, don't you?" said Rastaphur indignantly.

Anubis paused for a moment. He closed his eyes for a moment, opened them and closed them again. He opened them again, this time arching an eyebrow and looking straight into Rastaphur's eyes.

"I . . . don't . . . buy it," Anubis said. "What's really going on here? And this time use small words so you'll be sure to convey exactly what you mean."

Rastaphur looked to Johnson. Johnson shook his head frantically, then stop and gave an embarrassed smile when Anubis looked pointedly at him. Then Johnson looked down at the computer screen as if something important had just come to his attention. Anubis shifted his powerful stare back to Rastaphur.

"Lucifer was called back to Heaven," said Rastaphur. "We took it upon ourselves to make some changes while we were waiting for a replacement. I mean, everything down here was so hopelessly outdated---"

"The First of the Fallen was called back to Heaven and you decide to do a little spring cleaning?" said Anubis incredulously.

"Well, yeah," said Rastaphur. He was feeling defensive and more than a bit nervous. "Just until a replacement arrives, then all the new systems would be in place. It'd all be cake for the new Satan."

"And what makes you think the replacement was to have come from without? Hmmm?" asked Anubis, arching his other eyebrow. He lifted Rastaphur and shook him a bit. "Maybe you were supposed to let all the rest of us know so that we could prepare the way for the replacement, or make our own plans for controlling Hell!"

Rastaphur made weak gulping sounds as his expression turned from minor fear to bladder-loosening terror.

"You're saying you wanted some time so you could suck up or seize power?" asked Johnson, suddenly interested in the conversation again.

"Quaintly put, but yes," said Anubis. "You haven't left me the leisure of either. I shall have to roast you for at least a thousand years for that minor transgression."

Anubis dropped the Rastaphur into a chair. Rastaphur slumped weakly into the leather.

"Well, why don't you join us?" asked Rastaphur. "We had no intention of holding power or anything, we just wanted something to do, some sort of change."

"Hmm . . . your idea has merit," said Anubis thoughtfully. "Maybe I shall not have to lay waste to you utterly."

"That's a load off of my mind," said Johnson, smiling nervously.

"Yes. I have considered and I agree with you. First of all, you guys need some authority behind you. I shall address the Lords of Hell individually and corroborate your story. They must not suspect anything if I am to seize power."

"Pluto has been suspicious. I'm not sure if the others are interested enough to care," said Rastaphur.

"If Pluto has been suspicious, no doubt he's been boring all the other Lords with his suspicions. I shall talk to him first. The man is thick as a brick, I'm sure we can convince him that Lucifer is indeed in Alaska. And if we can't convince him, I know of a small, out of the way barbecue cell where he can be placed for the next several millennia."

"What would you like us to do?" asked Rastaphur.

"Continue with the installations. I've been keeping somewhat of an eye to your innovations and I think they're worthy of Hell, especially the Mac lab without mouse controllers and the Disney video room."

"Thank you, sir," said Rastaphur. "You're too kind."

"Not according to the last ten thousand men I flayed, but I have my moments. Well, I must get going. I shall return later this evening for a progress report."

Anubis walked out of the room. As he did, the door flew back on its hinges as if it had never been blown off of them.

Rastaphur looked at Johnson. Johnson returned the gaze.

"Tell me Johnson, was that a good or bad thing?" asked Rastaphur.

"Well, define your terms," said Johnson.

"Did we just open up the ascendancy of Hell to a potentially rabid Jackal-headed maniac?"

"A bit."

Rastaphur put his face in his hands, leaving it, of course, still attached to his head. "It wasn't supposed to get complex. Things like this never work if they get too complex."

"You've done this before?"

Rastaphur just groaned a little instead of answering him.

* * *

Copyright © 1994 by Robert T. Bakie

Part One

Part Two

Part Four

Part Five