Since the dawn of civilization, man has relied upon ritual. From communion in the Catholic church, to ritual human sacrifice, we rely upon rituals as diverse as we are to give order and meaning to our lives.

A particular ritual that was introduced to me through my U-Pass is of special importance now that school is back in session. Yes, I'm talking about the Bus-Summoning Ritual.

The Bus-Summoning Ritual is that particular series of actions that a person invokes to summon a Metro bus. For some people it involves simply lighting a cigarette (remember, you can't smoke on a bus). You are almost always guaranteed to summon a bus to your stop by taking the first puff off of a newly-lit cigarette. For those who don't smoke, it can involve leaving the stop for a moment to buy a latte, or better yet, walking from one bus stop to another. As soon as the milk is steamed or you are at a point equidistant between two bus stops, you will, nine times out of 10, have successfully summoned a bus you have no hope of catching.

The need for good Bus-Summoning Rituals is great these days. The Demon of the Bus knows what class you're missing. It has conspired with the Evil Traffic Fairy to make sure that: 1. If you are late for a bus, it will have come early. 2. If you are early for a bus, it will come late.

The best Bus-Summoning Ritual I have ever seen was one of my own devising. It was performed during the quarter where I had the fabled "9:30 Class You Can Never Miss." This class had a quiz at exactly 9:30 on either Tuesday or Thursday (and we never knew in advance which one it was). The Demon of the Bus and the Evil Traffic Fairy had particularly good sport with me on these days.

The ritual went something like this. First, I woke up on time for a change. This, in itself, was enough to make the Demon particularly bent on delaying me. I showered, dressed, and walked out to the stop. All in plenty of time to catch at least one bus.

After a few minutes of waiting, I remembered that I needed to buy a morning paper to have a hope in hell of doing well on my news quiz. I quickly walked to the newspaper dispenser, plunked in my 35 cents, pulled a paper out in time to notice my bus (bus #1) passing me by. I quickly invented some new expletives under my breath (and you wonder why people are psychotic on buses), and started walking to school.

I realized at this point that I had wasted enough time to make Me Walking To School and Me Taking The Quiz two events which could not exist in a continuous timeline. Translation: I was going to be late unless I ran.

So, I ran. I was doing fine, making good time until I came to the 45th St. freeway overpass. There, my backpack suddenly decided that it disliked all of my school books and was going to have nothing to do with carrying them anymore (I swear it was in cahoots with the Evil Traffic Fairy). As I was picking my books up I noticed the familiar smell of exhaust as bus #2 passed by me.

At this point, I was nearly to a stop where a bus besides the #43/44 (leading cause of cancer among Seattle bus riders) or the #30 (The what? Oh, you've never seen one either). Five minutes until class started, I still had a hope of making it in time for the last half of the quiz. I decided to decrease the distance between me and the University one last time, and then I would wait for a bus.

Sure enough, when I was exactly half-way between stops, another bus passed me by (bus #3).

I gave up on buses entirely. I walked to school, walking down the Ave, cutting through the bookstore, and waiting at 43rd for the light that would send me to campus and to my quiz, five minutes too late. And there as I sat at the crosswalk, I inadvertently summoned bus #4. I waved as it went by, and I think the demon actually winked at me from the window.

Copyright © 1994 by Robert T. Bakie