A peek into the daily schedule of Slinkie.

Wednesday, Dec. 1

6:30 am : Wake up.

6:40 am : Wake up.

6:50 am : Wake up. Involve higher mathematics learned in college to calculate exactly how much more sleep I can get and still make it to class on time. Give up and just hit the snooze button, trusting that scientists at alarm clock companies all over the world have figured this out with my best interests in mind.

7:00 am : Dream: I dreamt that I had solved the problems of the Middle East. The dream is fading quickly, but at this point I can remember that it involved a massive meeting of the world's great political minds and a certain amount of Silly String.

7:10 am : Struggle out of bed, late. Struggle into shower, late. Struggle into clothes, late. Reflect for a moment on the struggle of man's (gender-neutral) daily existence.

Coherent thought hurts too much, instead grab coffee.

7:30 am : Coffee imbibed. Ahh. Ohh. Stomach not prepared for coffee. Experience regret over drinking coffee before properly preparing stomach.

7:40 am : Miss as many metro buses as possible. Hold up fist and curse all bus drivers roundly while gesticulating wildly.

8:00 am : Show up at Radio Lab an hour late. Walk fine line between apologetic demeanor and defensiveness. Brace self for another cheery day at school.

8:30 am : Regret ever being a broadcast major. Thumb idly through the English department catalogue.

9:00 am : Write three stories for broadcast at 9:55 am, give or take a few minutes.

Amaze self with general lack of quality in both content and style.

9:55 am : Blather into microphone for 5 minutes under the pretext of calling it news.

10:00 am : Apologize to radio T.A. for general lack of quality in both content and style.

10:15 am : Go to Hub for breakfast with fellow Radio Class victims. Bitch about everything in general. Then get specific.

10:50 am : Feel nauseous due to Hub breakfast. Vow never to eat that putrid slime again.

11:30 am : Avoid next class. Feel guilty about blowing parents' hard-earned money.

Show up 20 minutes late to assuage over-achieving guilt mechanism.

11:50 am - 12:20 pm : Pretend to be interested for about 10 minutes. Take meticulous notes in that time. Gradually give over to the urge to daydream about nothing in particular. Try to avoid drooling.

12:30 pm : Go to Radio Class. Listen to professor criticize general lack of quality in both style and content. Work very hard with other students to distract self throughout class. Pray to divine being for quarter to be over.

1:20 pm : Take a deep breath. Realize just how special you are as a human being.

Take some time to self-actualize.

(Memo to myself: Find more realistic warm fuzzies to put in planner. Something like :

You have a spine. Have a nice day.)

1:30 pm : Go to film class. On way to film class, realize just how much you'd rather be home sleeping. Look in schedule to see which film you are watching. If you've watched it before, skip it. If you haven't seen it before, rent it tonight.

Criticize self for considering not attending class that'd be really fun.

1:45 pm : Give in to the dark side of the force (re: skipping film class.)

2:30 pm : Do something spontaneous.

3:00 pm : Work on evil plan to rule the world. Concentrate on plans to annex Canada, specifically: Consider possible tampering of Molson supply.

3:30 pm : Go home. Read mail. Get disgruntled over amount of mail recieved at house for people who no longer live there or never lived there. Consider forwarding it all to Wrigley Field.

4:00 pm : Briefly consider how, "You too can make mountains of money working from your home." Take a nap.

6:00 pm : Wake up.

6:10 pm : Wake up.

6:20 pm : Etc.

7:00 pm : Make dinner. (Soup or, hmmm . . . soup) Think of gloriously humorous idea for new Headcheese column.

8:00 pm : Pour third glass of Pepsi. Play entire Police catalogue.

9:00 pm : Drive to store to buy more Pepsi. Think of remotely workable idea for new Headcheese column. Consider becoming a tibetan monk. Also consider adding some whiskey to the Pepsi.

10:00 pm : Rescue the Princess from the Giant Slegtharn in "Galactic Blood Puddle" video game.

12:30 - 2:30 am : Distract self as often as possible while finally working on Headcheese column.

2:45 am : Wake up roommates with loud victory "Whoop!" as you finally make it into bed.

4:00 am : Bathroom visit.

6:00 am : Bathroom visit. Cut down on late-night Pepsi.

7:00 am : Begin cycle anew with a fresh and positive outlook on life.

(Memo to myself : I've really got to get some different inspirational messages)

Copyright © 1994 by Robert T. Bakie