I knew it was going to be an excellent Holiday break from the moment I was standing at the Texaco, carton of oil in hand, with a man I didn't know was calling me "hairball." It was either at that moment or ten minutes later when I had dribbled a chili dog down my shirt. With those two road-trip essentials checked off of my list, I knew nothing could stop me. Next stop, the wide expanses of Eastern Washington -- the land where I was born, went to High School and plotted my escape.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, and if you've ever driven to Eastern Washington, you know just how uneventful it can be. Fields, fields, fields, as far as the eye can see. Frankly, much farther than the eye would care to see. But once the fields disappear, you're left with the lovely sight of Spokane: the city that Seattle looks down on (I think that's actually printed on the tourist brochures).

I was home. Home for two weeks of fun and frolic with friends and family. Home for everything that Christmas and New Years promise to be and more, oh so very much more. I know exactly how much more after compiling the list for the insurance people.

No, nothing untoward happened in Spokane. But it was a very interesting break, nonetheless. I've compiled a list of the main elements for your reading enjoyment.

Family

The main and only reason I ever go back to Spokane these days is to visit my family. Unlike most people, it seems, I had a fairly normal family life growing up, no abuse, no emotional blackmail, no fatal beatings. Really, most of my problems are my own. And that's what makes my family worth visiting, their seeming normalcy in a world of chaos.

Dad: My father is a man I fear and love very much. Some of the best times I've spent with my father have been in movie theaters, watching comedies, making each other laugh so hard we had to be carried out on stretchers. I would do just about anything for his respect.

Mom: She's the one who always bandaged my cuts, emotional and physical, when I was young. She's also the one I can blame for most of my artistic inclinations. I wouldn't be what I am without Mom. So, if you don't like what you see, you know who to call.

Cheryl: Cheryl is one of my older sisters. She's the one who's having all of my children for me (see Greg and Kristina). Our difference in ages hasn't really separated us as it does with some siblings. We're built a lot alike and I think of us as pals. Besides, she has a great bean-dip recipe.

Lorie: Lorie is my younger older sister. Despite the fact that we're in our twenties, we still argue as if we were in our teens. We have a hell of a lot in common when we stop to think about it. She's a teacher and a mommy. She's also a pretty darn good person. She doesn't have a bean-dip recipe, as far as I know.

Don: He's my brother-in-law by way of Cheryl. He's pretty wacked. Despite the fact that he thinks Rush Limbaugh is a kick in the pants and he likes country music, he's a pretty cool guy.

Derek: He's my brother-in-law by way of Lorie. He's responsible for massive amounts of my cd collection. Without his musical teachings I might have listened to Duran Duran in their lean period. He's also a pretty cool guy.

Kristina: She's the daughter of Cheryl and Don. She's also completely insane. Risking a beating from Cheryl, I'll say that she's four years old. But the insanity level is far beyond her years. She's too cute for syllables.

Kaelynn: She was thrust into this world at the fault of Lorie and Derek. She's completely adorable and really enjoys my impression of Barney.

Greg: Greg is the child of Cheryl and Don. I saved him for last because I'm going to share a little Christmas offering of his. People always tell him that he's a lot like me. That's a horrible thing to accuse any child of, but I think it's true. I see a lot of myself in him. And I think after reading my columns, he sees a lot of himself in me. Anyway, he wrote this piece for a class of his. I broke it up into paragraphs for him, added some erroneous punctuation, but it's all his own words.

Scrooge

by Greg Poffenroth

"Hi kids, I'm Mr. Rogers. I'll be your story teller today. Ok?"

"Ok," said the kids.

"Let's start, little ones."

"Ok, Scrooge is a very weird man in this story. And I've even heard that he's said, 'baahumbug!'"

The kids gasped.

One day Scrooge was counting up his money when there was a knock at the door. His assistant Shorty ran to the door.

"Cindy Crawford!" he yelled, then he helplessly fainted.

Scrooge went cross-eyed.

He said, "Hello, Nurse!"

Cindy stepped on Shorty. "You will see three ghosts tonight. First, the ghost of Christmas past. Next, the ghost of Christmas present. After that, the ghost of Christmas future. When the clock strikes one, the first ghost will come . . . will come . . . will come . . .

Two hours later, Shorty woke up.

"What happened?"

Scrooge, still cross-eyed, said, "Cindy Crawford."

"Oh ya, boy o'boy, she was cute," said Shorty.

"You may go, Cindy, rrr, I mean you may go, Shorty. I'll close up, Cindy. Gosh dang it, I can't say anything right."

"Cindy Crawford? I'm not Cindy Crawford."

"Yah, she's so much more cute!"

"Ya, whatever."

Shorty slammed the door. "He likes Cindy more than me, of course, so do I, too."

But that's not the moral of the story.

The clock struck one. Scrooge woke up.

"Barbara Walter?" he cried. "Boy, she's ugly. I think I might jump out the window now. Goodbye. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Splat!

"There goes another customer customer, and another fifty bucks. I wonder if it's my hair again?. I don't know. Oh well.

"And that's the end of our little story I call Scrooge. Any Questions?

"Yes. But what about the baaahumbug?"

"Oh well, I lied."

The End

Coming Next Week In The Exciting Second Part:

Nintendo thumb, All I Wanted for Christmas, Car Trouble, Martian Death Flu, More Cable TV Than You Can Shake a Stick At

Copyright © 1993 by Robert T. Bakie