Well, here I am in my fifth year at the University of Washington. I know, I know, small beans compared to those of you who've been here seven, eight, even ten years. Still, imagine my surprise when I got a letter from the UW telling me that they wanted me out. That's right, my tuition's not good enough for them anymore. They want to prey on smaller, weaker animals. They're hunting for new freshmen.

Now, granted, the UW didn't exactly say, "We want you out, butthead." It was more like, "Haven't you graduated yet, butthead?" Okay, they didn't call me a butthead, but they did send me a letter telling me that they would give me priority to get into needed classes in my last year to facilitate my graduation. ("Facilitate" is the official fifty-cent word of this Headcheese article.)

I can't believe it, I feel betrayed. Here I was blithely paying my tuition, slowly crawling my way towards a degree that I'm unsure I even want, trundling merrily along the path to academic excess, when suddenly, I'm told to leave. Sigh.

It's over for me. I graduate in the spring. Now that I can't count on unavailability of classes or lack of spaces to extend my stay, I have nothing to do but graduate. Well fine, I'll get out. I'll play their game, but I won't like it.

But, I would spare my fellow students the same sadness I now feel. I'm going to give you some hints on how to graduate in your alloted, mythical four years.

1. Do not see an academic advisor, instead see a psychic. Advisors will only confuse you. Psychics will have a much better idea of what you degree you will actually graduate with. Besides, psychics have more openings in their schedules for you.

2. Follow your Bachelor's Degree Planbook like it was the Bible, Torah, Anarchist's Cookbook, or other spiritual tome. Turn to the Book of Distribution, chapter one, verse one. Repeatest thou after me.

Thou shalt not choose a course unless the course of thy choosing falleth under Holy Column A or Holy Column B.

Thou shalt taketh a foreign language so that thou mayest travel to distant places and fail to impress those who reside there.

Thou shalt taketh math so as to remind thyself why thou art a liberal arts major.

Thou shalt taketh a literature course so as to remind thyself why thou art a business major.

Thou shalt taketh linked sets and W courses so that thou mayest appease the Gods of the University, who in their divine providence, have seen fit to grant thine Higher Education.

Thou shalt follow these five commandments above all others, or, thou, being unworthy in our eyes, shall snuff it.

3. Do not take courses for fun. I took Psych 210: Human Sexuality for fun. What I got was a 2.6, a headache, and a desire to scream in terror when confronted with diagrams of genitals.

4. Decide upon your major in the womb and never waver from it.

5. Only get a double degree if you're keen on excising your social life like a tumorous growth.

With these hints it may even be possible to graduate in the fabled, nigh-impossible, much-touted, over-rated four years.

But you don't have to play their game if you don't want to. If you want to stay longer, there are options. There are devious paths so dark that University Officials dare not question their destination or origin for fear of unraveling the very fabric of time itself. You can stay here forever, caught in a ravenous black hole of studying, lectures, and academic torpor; you can become a grad student.

Copyright © 1993 by Robert T. Bakie